It's Been Tough!Curtis gently reminded me that it had been a while since my last blog post. Tears instantly filled my eyes and I replied, “I don’t want to. It’s been tough.” See - I prefer focussing on the positive outlook and seeing the silver lining perspective, but these last 6 weeks on the farm have been emotional for me. Writing about things and talking things out makes them that much more real. Sometimes that much more raw. Curtis also reminded me that people need to hear it all… the good and not so great. There’s been a lot of great! Honestly, since we started adding animals to our farm last year, I have felt that God has used this experience to teach me all kinds of lessons. Bible lessons have come to life. Sayings people throw around make more sense. I have found contentment (which is hard for this one right here). Witnessing chicks hatch from eggs when just the day before we could hear them chirping inside; aiding a mother sheep have her first lamb; watching the sunset with a yard full of animals; hearing the grunts of little piglets as they go wee wee wee all the way back to the barn - I've learned so much and have enjoyed the journey! The last few week’s lessons have been a lot harder for me to accept and be a good student. The lessons have been filled with loss. Often I pray, Jesus break my heart for what breaks yours. By no means do I think the loss on the farm is equivalent to the loss of a loved one - but again - I feel like I am … at the age of 36… learning life lessons right here. right now. After my last post about all the animals we have…we started subtracting. The chicks had grown big enough to transition out to the wired in coop outside. With all sides secure, we would go to bed to a certain number and wake up to one less. Adjustments were made, wires were tightened, and yet we would wake up to one less chick. Obviously, not wanting this to continue, we made some more changes, elevated the chicks more, secured their door of an evening, and did our best to protect them but just this week our last one passed. Around that same time…here came 12 piglets, a litter of 14 and another litter of 12 piglets. I have to admit, all farm animals are so cute…yes…even little piggies!!! All three mommas have been great first time moms. As things go sometimes, there are the weak ones in the pack or the injuries that occur within the pens. I found myself trying to bottle feed a 2 week old piglet. It was adorable with black spots everywhere. It wouldn’t take to the bottle and each day it seemed weaker and weaker. Twice we pulled it from the mud, washed it off, and returned it to the litter. Nature did its course and my heart hurt. I cried. Yep. I cried over losing one of the 38 piglets. Then I remembered the prayer, “Jesus break my heart for what breaks yours.” The sadness was more than losing a farm animal. I felt much more. It was more like the avalanche of emotions started speeding down the mountain. I thought of the families overseas who were losing loved ones. I thought of those in the underground churches who had no control and knew their time on earth could be so very short. My heart hurt for the military families who would never get to squeeze their loved ones again. Thoughts of how God must feel when he loses a child on this earth and won’t spend eternity with them. My heart broke for the parents trying to make education decisions for their children. My heart broke for the parents who found out their daughter may never be able to bare children. My heart was and is breaking for those losing loved ones to a sickness. In the last few weeks, there’s just been a real heaviness and heart breaking moments for people locally, nationally and globally. Wish I could say the loss on the farm took a pause there but it didn’t. As the older boys and I came home one evening, we saw the body of a lifeless animal in the road in front of our house. The sandy, gold color made us all get a lump in our throats, tears in our eyes, and a quiver in our voices. One of the boys said out loud, “Oh no, Daisy.” Daisy is our golden retriever who just turned a year old. I sped up, clicked my flashers on, jumped out of the car, and at the same moment we realized it wasn’t our dog but instead one of our sheep. With a moment of relief, we looked at each other and said, “I thought it was Daisy.” It took us a bit to shake off what was and what we thought. By no means did we want to lose a sheep but the boys don’t have the same connection with any of the sheep as they do Daisy. In the midst of all that chaos, we noticed one of our sheep really struggling. We took her and her twin sister into the barn to feed and give extra attention. At first things seemed really good and improvement was almost instant. But as quick as the improvement was so was the fading fast. Within 24 hours she went peacefully in her sleep. I beat myself up because I had noticed a few days prior that she was acting different but she was still eating, keeping up with the herd, and not showing any signs of getting worse. While trying to make the best decision for her by putting her in the barn with a sibling - as fast as she went it makes me wonder if we should’ve kept her with the herd. And again…I cried. Yep, I cried over losing a sheep. I think my most recent lesson has been a reminder of how hard hearted I have been at times. Instead of getting emotionally attached - I would try to stay detached because of fear of these feelings. I’m learning to be connected. Not fear hurt. Not avoid loss. Instead embrace it all. The good. the bad. the ugly. the all of it. Believe me…I really enjoying embracing the good. I love seeing the positive side. I crave positivity. However - as Ecclesiastes says - “there is a time and a season for everything”. If you are in a season of loss……loss of a job…loss of a loved one…loss of hope…loss of direction…loss of choices…loss of _____ (fill in the blank)I hope you can pause and find the lesson. What is God trying to teach you right now? What in your life is happening that God is using to teach you something new? What do you need to surrender? Be open. Be honest.Let your heart break for what breaks Jesus’ heart. Living a life set apart, Rach Quote: “Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time.” Scripture: Psalm 147:3”He heals the broken hearted and gives bandages for their wounds.”